For years, I lived life in a walking daze
As I sank into the lush leather seats in the back of the stretch limo I couldn’t help but think, “this is how I was meant to travel”. In hindsight, this feeling of entitlement and over-indulgence makes me feel a little sick. It was absurd. I was just a damn student. I was on my way to an interview at a hedge fun in Newport Beach, California and they were pampering the hell out of me. The interview was smooth. It was exactly what I expected. Some finance questions but mostly just fit and finish. It was as if I was pre-qualified for the job simply because of the schools I had gone to. Again, absurd.
“Succeeding” at school is one of those paradoxical things in society. On the one hand working your ass off for good grades means you have learned the material, learned how to take exams, learned how to write and learned how to be liked by professors. On the other hand it may also mean you have not learned how to be socially comfortable. You may not have allowed yourself to emotionally grow. In many cases you have locked yourself up for years to make sure you don’t miss a step. I am not judging anyone here. If you want to get good grades, go for it! I commend your dedication and discipline. But don’t do it because someone else is putting pressure on you. Don’t do it because you’ve come to the conclusion that society demands it. Do it for yourself. Do it because you have decided it is important to YOU. I digress.
For years every academic & career move I made was about keeping doors open. I had closed so few doors in my life. I closed the med school door but that is about it. I have gone from high school to mechanical & aerospace engineering at Princeton to Microsoft to Harvard Business School to Goldman Sachs. The funniest thing I ever heard from a recruiter this fall was when he described my resume as “bullet proof”. HA! Your resume is a reflection of the things you have done. It really speaks little about potential. It may be the best “objective” thing we have but in the end it is simply a painting we put up to put ourselves in the best light we can.
Anyway, I came out of the Newport Beach interview, got back into the limo and something hit me. It came like a blinding light out of nowhere. Like a scream that pierced the black tinted windows - What the fuck am I doing? The last 5 hours weren’t torturous. They weren’t bad in any way. But they sure as hell weren’t fun. The interview didn’t get me excited. When I tried to picture myself getting out of bed in the morning and heading to my job with energy, I couldn’t se it. What I could see is dragging my tired ass across the apartment and slowly making my way to work. That was not how I wanted to live.
The next few weeks, on Christmas vacation, I really thought deeply about what I am looking for. I was pursuing the finance industry because of the potential wealth. That wealth would give me the lifestyle I wanted. At least that was the myth I had bought into. Ok, I can’t really say myth with any authority. After all, I haven’t actually tried the path. All I can base it on is observations of others. The bankers that work night and day, earn lots of money, live comfortable (even luxurious) lives but never really escape until retirement. Same for lawyers, for doctors, and for many other professions. Again, no judgement here. If those things drive you and you are excited by the work you do, Awesome. Go for it. But if the reason you are doing some job is based on some material gain that you are promised in the future, you might want to take a second look.
I found I spent hours thinking about new cool ideas for businesses. Thinking about technologies that would love to build and even beginning to prototype some of them. I found that it was a thrill to just create. To invent.
When I got back to Boston, I told the hedge fund flat out, I am not interested in pursuing the opportunity anymore. Door closed. I still haven’t completely stepped out of the walking daze but it was a start. I was not going to follow the conventional business school route. I had decided to follow my own route, to start a business. This business.
No comments:
Post a Comment